


Please block me

by NoOneFrUkingCares



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Humor, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Plot What Plot, Texting, This thing was inspired by a rant, chat fic, chatfic, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-04-23 06:27:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19145407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoOneFrUkingCares/pseuds/NoOneFrUkingCares
Summary: This is a crack chat fic. I have no clue how it's going to go, but at least you know that it starts with zombies.





	1. Zombies and other reasons to become a drug lord

**Author's Note:**

  * For [extensive_scribe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/extensive_scribe/gifts).



> Since this came out of nowhere, this is going to be updated really infrequently, but thankfully it's going to be mostly crack so like at least it's not like you're going to desperately want to keep reading more.
> 
>  
> 
> Key to usernames (Order of appearance):  
> RedDevil4207 = Luhan  
> DO(n’t talk to me) = Kyungsoo
> 
> (also extensive ranted, and complained about me not actually writing it so here you go. you're a writer and it's a gift for you)

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

**RedDevil4207**

SO

O

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

what

why are you calling my name

**RedDevil4207**

No the name thing was just a coincidence

Because like I just thought of something

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

what now

**RedDevil4207**

So like someone dug up an old halloween pic and like what do you think it’ll be like to fuck a zombie

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

i hate zombies oh god

why do people like zombies

**RedDevil4207**

Oh right sorry forgot

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

decaying flesh and the stench of rotting skin?

what the fuck why is that a kink

**RedDevil4207**

OH SHIT SHIT SHIT

“See you tomorrow for the project”

fhbsaidsjhbsdh

I haven't felt this way since seeing that we were paired together

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

good luck

you seem to love torturing yourself with false hope

i'm all for it

**RedDevil4207**

I do

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

but i'm still not over people liking anything to do with a bag of decaying flesh

like with a functional human being????

**RedDevil4207**

Okay

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

why

why is this a thing

since when

legit what if you sink down on their cock and it just turns to dust

why

what about the rotting holes in their skin

no amount of korean beauty makeup is going to cover that

imagine the smell in their mouth every time you kiss?

are their brains even working anymore?

what if they have worms in their eyes

**RedDevil4207**

I'm going to run away to Bulgaria and become a drug lord

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

or their ears

imagine the worms coming out of their mouth

or between their nails and their skin

i still have so much more

what if they blink and then open their eyes and their eyes have rolled back in their skull

what about random spasming and you're not sure whether their already dead heart is having an attack or if their limbs just aren't working

they're also not going to be able to heal when they get injured so it's just like

welp

guess i'll ignore this wound on your arm

sorry i can't stop the bleeding

**RedDevil4207**

Shush I'm booking a flight right now

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

it's your fault you decided to wake up from the dead and ignore basic biology

oops

oh look you're dead now

**RedDevil4207**

OH SHIT THEY’RE GOING TO STEAL MR. ZHANG’S CAT TOMORROW

THEY DO HIM SO WRONG

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

like bitch no zombies and humans will never work

look the cat’s adorable and we’re extra he deserves it anyways

and i'm still not done

you're never going to be able to have sex with them?

their poor bones and lack of muscles

unless you want to fuck a ragdoll

and even then what the fuck

if you're able to abstain from sex altogether just for a dead body when you're not even asexual then wow that's true love right there

can they even think

how stupid are they

their bodies are legit not working

you're going to fall asleep to a decaying body in your arms

who wants that

why do people want to torture themselves like this

they're dead and they're somehow getting worse?

good luck taking care of later on when their eyes are falling out of their sockets and the fluids are leaving their body and they actually start to smell terrible from the rotting and general zombieness

oh sorry i'm just gonna cut this off

SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO SELL ME KIMCHI I WAS SO TERRIFIED

;ALKSFJDALKSJDFLSDJ

A;LSFKJSDALKJJSDKFL

WHAT THE FUCK

PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO JUST SPEAK INTO STRANGER'S EARS LIKE THAT WITHOUT WARNING

AL;AKJWE

**RedDevil4207**

WHat the fuck

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

sorry a stranger just came up to me and asked to buy kimchi and i was so scared for a second

i barely managed to tell him i had no money god

how did he even know i was korean

this is china

and how did he get so close to me

**RedDevil4207**

More reason to join me and my empire in Bulgaria

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

haha

i haven’t started my history project

**RedDevil4207**

rip

_Thurs, 9:43 PM_


	2. Cat, project, and beatability

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Key to usernames (Order of appearance):  
> RedDevil4207 = Luhan  
> DO(n’t talk to me) = Kyungsoo  
> KMS3 = Minseok

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

how’s the cat

what’s its name anyways

**RedDevil4207**

Mao is doing great, thank you very much

She’s adorble

And mine

Mr. Zhang’s never getting her back

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

wow

also you can’t spell

**RedDevil4207**

Look

If there’s a cute cat, I’m going to appreciate it

And shut up your grammar and puncuation ain’t right half the time

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

at least i know i can spell shit correctly

“puncuation” 

and cute cat, huh?

**RedDevil4207**

Shut up and appreciate the cat

[img.3458]

She’s so cute and fluffy I love her

Mine now

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

mr. Zhang’s gonna fail you for abducting his cat

whose idea was this anyways

**RedDevil4207**

Well whose idea was it to go on a trip to China as part of a history class assignment when you ain’t even interested in history

Honestly your whole scholarship is the scam of the century right here

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

shut up

**RedDevil4207**

I’m so proud

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

we’re talking about you, not me

whose bright idea was it to steal the cat anyways

**RedDevil4207**

Jun

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

i knew he wasn’t as good as he seemed

best student in all his 35 years of teaching my ass

**RedDevil4207**

Just because Jun beat you out for Mr. Zhang’s approval doesn’t mean he’s a bad person

He was drunk and it was 3 am

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

damn

y’all got wasted

without me?

**RedDevil4207**

Well someone was in China on a history tour

How’s the air

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

surprisingly breathable

**RedDevil4207**

Okay the pollution ain’t even that bad anymore like Beijing is usually sunny and blue

Besides you have an apartment next to mine why ya clowning yourself

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

you asked for it

hows your obsession doing

**RedDevil4207**

first of all, it’s not an obsession

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

crush, obsession, same thing

**RedDevil4207**

It’s not a crush!

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

let’s tell that to your pining for the past year

**RedDevil4207**

It’s not pining!

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

i can and will pull up receipts 

how will minseok hyung think when he sees this

**RedDevil4207**

He won’t think because he won’t see shit

Right soo?

Or do we need to expose your ass

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

go for it people love my ass

**RedDevil4207**

Eww not like that

Also whomst™

 _Fri, 10:27 AM_  

 

**KMS3**

**KMS3**

hey, what time u showing up to work on the project

**RedDevil4207**

What time works for you?

**KMS3**

My classes end @3 so im good from then on

**RedDevil4207**

Cool

I’ll come over at 4, if that’s okay

**KMS3**

sounds nice

oh my rmmt’s gonna be here,  but he won’t bother us, that cool?

**RedDevil4207**

Yeah that’s cool

See you in a bit!

**KMS3**

see ya

_Fri, 10:43 AM_

 

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

well for one jongin do

and no one else really matters so

**RedDevil4207**

Ugh imagine having a healthy and loving relationship with a cute dude, can’t relate

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

just because you keep falling in love with people that don’t go for you isn’t my fault

also why did you decide to like minseok hyung

i can’t beat him up

**RedDevil4207**

Wow

Don’t beat him up please

He’s amazing and won’t ever do anything to hurt me

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

no the problem is i literally can’t beat him up

dude’s ripped, he goes to the gym

i can’t be bothered with that sort of effort

how am i suppose to retaliate when you get your heart broken

**RedDevil4207**

Like I said, he won’t ever do anything to hurt me

I hurt myself

Beat me up instead

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

i always wish to

**RedDevil4207**

Wow

Also if he goes to the gym then how the fuck did you body slam Chanyeol the other day for stealing your food

He lives in the gym

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

yeah with tv and some ramen

just because someone has abs doesn’t mean i can’t beat them up

yeollie’s a softie

it’s harder to beat up baek or taozi

not because its hard

but because they don’t stop moving

**RedDevil4207**

Should i be concerned you know this about your roommate and bestie #2

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

no 

**RedDevil4207**

Cool

Also we planned when I’m going over to his dorm to work on the project!!!

Also Xing just called from across the room and says he misses you

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

tell him i miss him too

also look at this relationship development

be safe and use protection

**RedDevil4207**

Shut up

Xing smiles and asks for you to sneak some snacks over

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

already doing it

now don’t you have work you could be doing

**RedDevil4207**

Yes but like I’m going to procrastinate the next few hours watching random videos online anyways

**DO(n’t talk to me)**

don’t worry i’ll come to your funeral

**RedDevil4207**

I knew I could always count on you

_Fri, 11:14 AM_


End file.
